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When we are small, our mom`s would use really small forks as spoons to feed us...But what about Chinese moms? Would they use toothpicks?
If I had a dollar for every girl that told me I was unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive.
If you`re a vegan an atheist and a liberal, how do you choose which way to annoy people at Thanksgiving first?
When people sit in front of me at the movies. I make a loud fart sound so they quickly move to get away from me.
How can I love nature when it did this to my hair?
Ordering a water with lemon says “I’m too cheap to buy a drink, but I still like a little zing.”
Don`t talk to me like I`m stupid until you know for sure.
Sorry I said "Better you than me" when you showed me your baby.
I think it’s funny when dogs hide under the bed when they’re scared. I’m like “you idiot, that’s the first place monsters go!”
It`s depressing to think how much more Dora the Explorer has seen and done in her life compared to mine.
The best curve on a woman is her smile :) ...Hahahaha lmao! No I`m kidding, it`s her boobs.
My doctor is concerned about my high blood pressure. I told him, next time, don`t leave me sitting in the waiting room for two hours.
Want someone to stop texting you? Sleep with them.
I`ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don`t have the game so I may need new meds...
I guess if you spoke your mind, you´d be speechless, huh?