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How does one get a nice body without moving?
I am actually impressed by what Lance Armstrong has done. When I was on drugs, I couldn`t even find my bike!
Dear Friday, I`m ready !!!
Apparently "I`ll break your god damn legs" isn`t the problem solving skills that employers are looking for, at least according to HR anyway.
It’s always hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they’re always taking things literally.
A lot of talk from the peasants lately about my arrogance.
I just want someone to touch me the way a woman touches a pair of shoes she cannot afford.
I wish I could write `` I Miss You `` on a rock and throw it at your face, so you can know how much it HURTS to miss you
Keychains were invented so that you can lose all of your keys at once.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog "NO!" and then more quietly, "We talked about this!"
There`s a sense of great satisfaction when I`m the tie breaker between `Funny` and `Not Funny` status updates.
I think I`m gonna glue my thumbs to my nipples and pretend I`m a T-Rex.
The best thing about being single is all the sleeping around you can do…I can sleep all over my bed!
The only difference between sex and breakfast is sometimes I don`t want breakfast.
I`ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.