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I tend to avoid things that make me look fat. You know like scales, mirrors and photographs
I don’t approve of political jokes. I’ve seen too many of them get elected.
Dear, automatic flushing toilet, I appreciate the enthusiasm.... But I wasn`t finished.
Don´t worry ... It only seems kinky the first time.
I am not looking for a one night stand, 2 hours will be plenty enough.
If your significant other is mad at you, put a cape on them and say "Now you`re super mad!" If they laugh marry them.
I’m sad when my food is over.
Like a stoned man once said, I can`t remember.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Roses are Red Violets are Blue, If I had a brick, I`d throw it at you.
It`s so expensive being a woman. I know because I have financed a few.
I`ve said it before and I`ll say it again: it before
I told everybody at work that I`ve got 18 cats just to make sure none of them ever want to come over for anything.
I swear, its like EVERY payday I gotta spend money cause there`s a birthday party to go to, a wedding, a baby shower, a new video game, a new stripper, something. Always something...
I just don`t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?