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What`s the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller" ?
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn`t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
The hardest part about being an adult is trying to hide how you`re still a child.
Saying I have a drinking problem is like saying Bruce Lee had a kung fu problem, it`s not a problem if you`re good at it.
If cats could talk, they`d probably always be correcting your grammar.
Secretly replaced the bacon with beggin` strips. Let`s see if the customers notice.
Hate cleaning my floors...how fast would I go to hell if I got a blind roommate and replaced his cane with a swiffer?
Car commercials make driving around in empty parking structures look fun and normal and not suspicious or kidnappy.
Let`s be honest... Gay Divorce Court would be the best thing to happen to daytime TV in the history of ever.
Sometimes I buy huge pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
If he`s dumb enough to send you a generic message in a mass text...be smart enough to reply to all "I still haven`t gotten my period."
I’ve found the best way to learn your co-workers’ names is by eating their food in the office fridge
"Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it." -Me lying to someone who`s pointing out a constellation
The trick to farting in an elevator is wearing a suit. No one ever suspects the guy in the suit.
Laughter is the best medicine, but if you are laughing for no reason, you might need medicine.