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If I had a time machine, I’d probably just use it so I wouldn’t have to throw out so many bananas.
I`m getting all dressed up. Have a feeling I might be on COPS tonight.
If I had a mood ring on today, it`d be flashing like a disco ball!
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it ... just sayin
How come "you`re a peach" is a complement but "you`re bananas" is an insult? Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?
My greatest achievement today was writing this status.
WARNING: Objects in profile pics are not as pretty as they appear.
Guy tip of the day: To avoid arguments about the toilet seat, use the sink...
When one door closes and another one opens, it`s time to pack up and leave because your house is clearly haunted.
I saw something that reminded me of you.. so I flushed the toilet and washed my hands(:
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn`t even lift him.
My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I`m at the gym or if I`m at Walmart
Spice up your Facebook experience by making your status updates your google searches.
OMG, what a day I had. If Monday was a guy, I`d punch him in the throat!
Are you still bored? Head over to Walmart, take a box of condoms to the checkout clerk, and ask where the fitting room is.