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I’m starting to think that the gym isn’t really for me. I went this morning and laid down on the mat to do some sit-ups. I woke up 2 hours later.
My daughter just explained to me that these dinner postings were not real invites. I have to apologize to all my friends out there for showing up last week.
You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes.
The loudest possible way to open a bag of chips is to try and do it quietly.
I asked my girlfriend if she was ok with me buying her a ring. She said "nothing would make me happier!" So I got her nothing.
Yes I am a bad boy ... But your the one that`s going to get spanked.
I was going to get a lot of stuff done tonight, but I didn`t. Because, you know...beer.
I need to learn the rules to make sure I don`t accidently follow them
I just want to be perfect... Nah just kidding, I love being weird
Every so often you come across a person that supplies you with endless motivation, even if it is just to jump into traffic.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that`s my cat and we`re not done with our accupuncture session.
Just looked at the price of baby strollers. I think were gonna have an indoor baby.
They`ve been farting with my facebook again. It`s like the old days when the the girl you woke up with wasn`t the one you went to bed with.
Made the decision that I`m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
The older I get, the more I understand someone`s desire to just say-"F*ck it. I`m going to be drunk all the time & live under this bridge."