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I wish my mind had a delete button.
When they discover the center of the universe, alot of people will be shocked they`re not in it.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
Arguing with a woman is like buying a lottery ticket, you`re proably not gonna win, but you`re sure as hell gonna try!
I’ll call it a “smart phone” the day I yell, “Where’s my phone?!” and it answers, “I’m here! Under your covers!”
There`s a certain age where you can no longer use the term "Good girl gone bad". It`s more like "Her old a$$ should know better"
I used to like my neighbours, until they put a password on their Wi-Fi
"Lazy" is a strong word. I prefer to call it selective participation.
You`ve never been truly drunk until you`ve had to use a barstool as a walker to get home.
There`s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, “well that’s not going to happen.”
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the "Price is Right" audience.
We’re all mature until somebody brings out the bubble-wrap.
LIFE always offers you a second chance,its called TOMORROW
1. Pour milk on floor. 2. Ask which kid did it. 3. Send them to their rooms when they don`t admit it. 4. Enjoy peaceful evening.