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If you are hotter than me, wouldn’t that make me cooler than you.
Don`t talk to me about disappointment. I had lots of adults tell me they were gonna "fix my little red wagon" yet here it sits with a broken wheel still
My girlfriend says I talk while I sleep... but I`m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
Today I think I`ll go to a public restroom and wait until someone leaves, then click your stopwatch and write something down in a notebook.
I hate buying feminine products! How am I supposed to know if this is the right kind of broom or not?
Its never polite to ask the guy at the next table "are you done with that?" Especially when he`s breaking up with his girlfriend.
Age has its advantages. Too bad I can`t remember what they are.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions Note to self...avoid good intentions at all costs.
I`ve probably spent a solid year of my life just staring into the refrigerator
Tomorrow is Valentines day, a holiday that comes along once a year to remind you that if you don`t have a special someone...I guess your alone.
If I`m not in bed by 11PM, then I go home.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
I really don`t know what the big deal is about Black Friday. I black out every Friday....
Here`s a fun idea: Before your next party or get together, buy some liver and other cuts of meat. Put them in clear containers and put labels on them with random names ("Clarice", "Richard", etc). Then put them in your refrigerator. For even more fun, put some empty containers beside the fridge with your friends` names on them....
Remembering to remember is always the first thing I forget.