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Those of you who say “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” don’t really get how the whole “dead” thing works, do you?
Sometimes all you need, is 500 million dollars.
Sometimes, if you believe in something hard enough and deeply enough, nothing happens.
Well that`s a wrap on another day where I act like I know what I`m doing.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they`d lose the alarm and just announce that there`s free food by the stairs.
There`s no use worrying about things you can`t control. Except for bodily functions...Hopefully you can control THEM. :/
That disappointing moment when you pull up to work and it`s not fully engulfed in fire.
Can’t wait till I’m old and I can play the ‘fall asleep’ card in awkward situations.
Sleep is my drug, the bed my dealer, the alarm clock the police.
Learn a lesson from your dog. No matter what life brings you, kick some grass over that crap and move on.
It is a sad day when you go to all the trouble of getting a Frontal Lobotomy and no one notices.....................
Someone offered me grapes, but I declined. I`m not used to consuming wine in pill form.
If you go to dinner alone always ask for a table for two. Look sad as you eat and you will almost always get a free dessert
Defies physics: I eat half a pound of food, `purge` 1 pound of it, and then gain five pounds because of it-- WTF?
Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think "look at all these poor people who don`t know Netflix exists."