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Old meaning of sorry. "I won`t do it again." New meaning of sorry. "Damn I got caught, next time I need to be more careful."
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
i dont drink any more and yet again i dont any less either
You know what bothers me? When people assume you`re homeless cause you`re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I`m sobering up.
A house is not a home until you can find all light switches in the dark.
Rabbits jump and they live for 8 years. Dogs run and they live for 15 years. Turtles do nothing and they live for 150 years. Lesson learned.
If you people knew how expensive, time consuming and hard this stalking stuff is you wouldn`t freak out every time you see me in your bushes.....geesh
She said there`s no difference between turkey bacon and regular bacon, and now I`m supposed to just "forget about it"?
Girlfriend: No, you hang up... Me: (click)
Couldn`t stay awake sitting on the couch, so I laid down in bed to make sure I wouldn`t fall asleep
Make librarians cry by calling it a Book Museum while taking pictures with your iPad.
The reason swans mate for life is because they don`t talk.
I`d rather be someone`s shot of whiskey than everyone`s cup of tea.
If only losing weight was as easy as losing my cell phone, my keys, my temper, or even my mind ... I`d be SO skinny!