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Sometimes it`s nice to know karma is still a feisty little b!tch.
If by "help you cook" you mean drink wine in the kitchen while you do the work, then yes, I`d love to help you cook.
For Sale. Old batteries, free of charge.
Being a pizza delivery driver is great because literally no one is disappointed to see you
You can tell a lot about someone by whether they read HP as horsepower or hit points.
Humans claim to be the superior species, but a penguin can use its own body as a toboggan so who`s the real winner?
My grandparents still use encyclopedias to google stuff.
A fun thing to do when leaving the Zoo, is too start frantically running and yelling "OMG they`ve all escaped!"
Pregreening - creeping forward while waiting for a red light to change.
No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you. I just want the oil change
If you want to call a family meeting just turn off the wifi router and wait in the room in which it is located
Hi you`ve reached my voicemail,,, Please leave your name, number and a damn good reason why this conversation couldn`t be done over text
Now that there is no FBI director we can finally make copies of VHS tapes
I carry a knife, but it`s just in case of cake.
Common sense has become so rare it should be classified as a superpower.