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Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push
I was so disturbed by hearing about all the people using marijuana today that I almost dropped my deep-fried Snickers bar into my 48oz Coke.
I don`t care about your choice in politics, religion, or taste in music... I judge you simply based on football team preference
Helpful Tip: Dont laugh when the cop says penal system ... oh and I need bail money again.
Fun: text a friend "Are you alone right now?" They go "Yes." Then u text back LOL
Next time you see someone you don`t like, begin conversation with "I see the assassins have failed."
At Starbucks drive up window. Me: large iced chai please Them: you mean a venti? Me: large iced chai. Them: we call a large a venti. Me: Do you want a large tip or a venti tip? Them: large iced chai, please pull up.
"This isn`t my first rodeo" -Guy at his second rodeo
Donald Trump`s hair saw its shadow. We have six more weeks of protesting.
I don`t care about Disney lying about the Prince Charmings out there. I`m more annoyed that random woodland creatures won`t clean my house.
"It`s not you, it`s me." -Twins looking at some family photos.
If I was a Chinese millionaire I would change my name to Cha Ching.
Don’t get me wrong, you are hot as hell, I am just too lazy to stalk right now.
You couldn`t handle five minutes in my head.
When a male octopus finds a mate, he rips off his happy place and throws it at the female octopus so she can inseminate herself. Then the male grows a new happy place. If that isn`t the most epic way to tell someone to go $*&# themselves, I don`t know what is!