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They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that`s why I surround myself with lazy people
People say "Happy Thanksgiving" which is nice, but then they ruin it by saying "Don`t eat too much". Do they want me to have a Happy Thanksgiving or not?
Listening to your wife is like reading the terms and conditions of a website. Sometimes you understand nothing, and still you say..."I Agree".....!
Missed Connection: You were standing at the RedBox. I was in my car self pleasuring. I accidentally honked like 8 times.
String cheese is the sexiest of the cheeses. It’s like you get to undress it.
If I had the money I`d hire 2 private investigators to follow each other
Just saw the little boy next door licking whip cream off the cat. Pretty sure he heard something he shouldn`t have.
Just ONCE, I`d like to look deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
I saw a woman crying as she was buying tampons earlier.....must be going through a tough period in her life....
Wake up, kids! Bees can`t even read, much less spell. IT`S A SCAM!
Worrying: a waste of imagination.
Nothing screws up your Friday more than realizing it’s only Tuesday.
Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets???
I always find the "easy-open tab" right after I finally manage to tear the package open with my teeth.
person 1: i can draw really well person 2: i`m really athletic person 3: i`m hilarious and likable person 4: i`m gorgeous me: i can breathe