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Ideal roommate: Someone not smart enough to know they are paying 80% of the rent.
I was an adult once. Then I opened a Facebook account.
The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn`t for any religious reasons. They couldn`t find three wise men and a virgin.
At work hitting the escape key...... Nothing is happening, im still here.
My level of sarcasm has reached a dangerous level where even I don`t know if I`m kidding or not.
I`d like to test the theory that money can`t buy you happiness.
REMEMBER: If you start to hear banjos, get the hell outta there!
Farts are like children. I`m proud of mine and disgusted by yours.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
I always wear a wedding ring when I go grocery shopping, so everyone thinks my cart full of groceries are for a family of 4 instead of just me
Lisa has 750 friends on Facebook. A week later she adds 150 more to her friends list. What does she have? Answer-Big Boobs
Starting a sentence with “If you ask me” almost always indicates that no one asked you.
There`s no way that whatever mothballs prevent is worse than the smell of mothballs.
The drunker I get, the more dance moves I know.
I’m pretty sure the whole “ladies first” thing was created by a guy just to check out girls butt’s.