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Girls become instant best friends when they find out they hate the same people.
So, when is this Old Enough To Know Better thing supposed to kick in?
Son to mom: why should I sweep the floor? Mom to son: do you want to be an Olympic Curl champion?
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary. Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shi t.
You’re the shampoo in the eyes of my life.
I go both ways. I like hard AND soft tacos.
People must stop questioning my sanity, it wont answer them.
Today, I`m really gonna give it my nothing
"The secret is that it`s all in the wrist!" -My grandfather talking about golf or handjobs or something
I`ve been on a diet for 2 weeks and all I`ve lost is 14 days.
When it`s raining I don`t work, when its sunny I don`t work, when its cloudy I call in sick!
I wonder where superman changes now that there are no more phone booths
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I`ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
You can`t always decide who walks into your life, but you can decide which window to throw them out of.
I spend my weekends farting in libraries and then shushing people that complain.