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Trust me, you want me medicated!!
What number SPF blocks people?
Contrary to popular belief, it`s actually the fat that makes you look fat. It was never the dress
They should start selling Photoshop CD`s at cosmetic shops.
When people say they did something "like a boss" I just picture them doing it fatter and with less hair
Just rescued a Coca Cola that was trapped in the fridge!
If I say “it’s a great day to be alive,” it’s because those are literally my only plans.
If at first you don´t succeed ..... buy her another drink
How many people actually tell everyone that you said Hi.
When people say, "You look familiar," i like to reply with, "Do you watch porn?"
Find someone who is honest, laughs when you make fun of them, and then give each other orgasms.
Of course the Pilgrims had a lot to be thankful for, all their in-laws were back in Europe.
I got so drunk last night I tried picking up every woman in the bar and now my back is killing me!
The roof of the McDonalds in my town has 38 Pickle slices on it from times I ordered sh!t without pickles in it.
Practising my breast stroke, so if I ever get a girlfriend I dont do it wrong...