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Drying out wet fireworks in the oven is not a good idea. Trust me on this
If you are having anxiety over something you`ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
My wife complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one.
And now it`s too hot outside to take down the Christmas lights
"keep moving.....nothing to see here"
You know that tingly feeling you get when you have a crush on someone? That’s common sense leaving your body.
Girl rule. A girl will only compliment another girl that is uglier than they are.
Doc: ``Hows your headache ?`` Me: ``She`s at home``
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming... 1. Whenever you`re wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you`re right, shut up.
You are right when you realize you were wrong.
There`s nothing more terrifying than accidentally making eye contact with a mall kiosk worker.
Any machine is a smoke machine if you just use it wrong enough!
The problem with rich people is I`m not one of them.
My stove top knob reads, LO | 2 | 4 | 6 | 8 | 10 | HI......so what is Med-High, Medium Low?...They just need to lay it out for me in numbers! Like "set stove top to 8." no wait, 9.? Food manufacturerers and stove manufactuerers need to get toghether on this! So let me see,..... (me thinking)....if ten is high...5 is medium that means 7.5..... WAIT!.....low would be 0 so HI would be 12???....WTF!!! forget about simmer!........HEY KIDS! WHO WANTS PIZZA!
hell yeah !!!! i was the lucky sperm !!!!!