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It only takes a few seconds to show someone how you feel about them......the police call it indecent exposure but whatever.
Vodka is just amazing water.
Racism, sexism and homophobia make no sense when there are so many perfectly good stupid people to hate.
Dad: Son its a fact that masturbation can lead to blindness. Me: Dad... Im over here ..
Remember that there’s always someone cooler, smarter, stronger or sexier than you. That would be me.
I don`t have ADD. It`s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on again?
The worst thing that can happen when you invite someone over to "watch a movie" is actually watching a movie.
Heard Justin Bieber got arrested for drag racing. Sure it`s dangerous, but surely it isn`t against the law to run in high heels...
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a complete loser.
First thing I do in the morning: Look at the clock and hope I have more time to sleep.
Did you know dryer sheets double as toilet paper and leave your a$$ smelling like meadows and rain drops?
The parents with the ugliest babies take and post the most pictures.
Saw a chameleon today, so I`m assuming it wasn`t a very good one.
If you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape.