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I`m at the "what can I make with green beans and cake mix" stage of needing groceries
That awkward moment when your screen freezes on a really embarrassing website
When you are on a first date and she says to you: “I want you to treat me like a movie star,” it is vitally important to establish which type of movie.
When I`m on my death bed, I want my last words to be...."I left 10 million dollars in the..........."
Those who stir the sh!t pot should have to lick the spoon.
My wife thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m awesome because I have the bread.
Judging from the bar receipts, ATM withdraws, hand stamps, and the glitter in my car, I now realize I`m a ball of fun when I black out.
Stress balls work best when you shove them down somebody`s throat.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
"Hello 911?" "Someone just stole my status on Facebook... yes, I`ll hold."
Save water, shower together.
Follow your dreams. Unless it’s a person ... apparently they call that stalking.
You win some, you lose some...unless you`re me, then you win them all.
I`ve been having real problems with nuisance phone calls lately. The most common one seems to be "You said you`d be home from the bar three f*cking hours ago!"
I`m glad I don`t work in an office. I can only imagine the smell at lunch time when everybody opens their egg salad sandwiches today.