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During the summer months, be sure to dress for the body you have. Not the body you want.
"I`m single and ready to mingle"..oh god, is this why I`m still single, cuz I say sh!t like that?
For those of you wondering what it`s like to be married, I`m on day 3 of an argument I didn`t know I was having.
I`m really good at using the turkey baster as a sword and getting drunk and not being invited to Thanksgiving anymore.
We should really thank our Dads for bringing us into this world since our Moms were probably tired and not in the mood.
I found $40 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy dart guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, dart guns and candy".
I`m watching a show about surviving in the wild in case I ever decide to log off and go outside.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
nothing says i love you like, "im going to buy you new duct tape for your taillight, what color you want? "
“Nevermind.” Translation... You should’ve listened the first time.
just realised SATURDAY has the word TURD in it
I dont believe in beating my kids, so I make them wear a Justin Bieber shirt & crocs to school so the other kids will do it for me.
Don’t start an argument with a girl because they have 45030194 GB memories and will bring up something you did at 2:27PM on April 23rd 2008.
In other news millions of facebook user suddenly got their law degree
My wife accused me of spending too much time on Facebook. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?