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If you just got invited to do something on New Year`s Eve, it means someone else cancelled.
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Why didn`t you text me? I`ll never call you back. Like, ever. You`d have better luck with a telegram.
I taught my wife everything she knows about male stupidity.
My bed is way more comfortable in the mornings than during the night.
Just once I`d like to see someone in a movie call bullshit when someone tells them their phone number starts with 555
I stopped going to AA because all of their stories were about how they hit rock bottom by waking up next to me.
If you feel bad because you didn’t do well on a final, just remember someone from your hometown is still trying to become a rapper.
Fitness? More like fitness whole cheesecake in my mouth.
I`ve come to the sad realization nobody will ever triumphantly pour Gatorade on me for any reason
The first 30 years of childhood are always the hardest.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Hmmmmm,,,, Turns out all this time, I’ve been using a life couch instead of a life coach.
Some people are too chipper early in the morning. They don`t realize how bad it is for their health.....until I`m choking them
I`m more indecisive than a John in a brothel with gold credit card.
Social Media: Because I like to socialize with cool people without having to speak, wear pants or get off the couch.