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Wedding: The really expensive party taking place relatively 5-10 years before your divorce.
Long story short, I love summaries.
When you are dead, you don`t know you are dead, but other people do. The same applies when you are stupid.
If weed is ever legalized, I can`t wait to see the commercials...
Anyone that says I`m a lover not a fighter has clearly never been in a relationship over 6 months
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smashed your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
This donut scented car freshener will more than pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
It`s like the people in this restroom don`t even want my help unbuttoning their pants. STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
When I asked if you had protection, pepper spray isn’t what I meant.
The toughest thing in business is minding your own.
Being an adult is a lot like going to the vet. We`re all excited for the ride until we realize what it`s like where we`re going.
Insomnia improves your math skills. You spend all night calculating how much sleep you`ll get if you "fall asleep right now".
This one time, I got trapped inside a couch cushion fort for like 47 days cause I forgot to put a secret door on it.
My penis was in the Guinness book of World Records. Then the librarian told me I had to take it out before she called security.
So far this is the oldest I`ve ever been.