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My nose is "running", that`s all the exercise I can handle for one day.......
If you lose your shoe at the end of the night, you’re not Cinderella. You’re probably just drunk.
When I bust a move , it stays busted.
I`m so broke that I can`t even pay attention!
Do handjobs from girls who speak sign language count as blowjobs
Sometimes I feel moderately intelligent. Other times I have to sing the "ABCs" in my head to remember which letter comes next.
When I was your age, we drank water straight out of the sink.
You know that confused look that old people get when looking at new technology? I`m like that, but with salad.
I now have permanent vision loss due to excessive eye-rolling at stupid idiots.
Fish who are caught and released are like the aquatic equivalent of people who claim to have been abducted by aliens.
Coffee: So I can do nothing with more energy.
I`m not crazy, but I am a carrier.
Tip for Sunday Church: Don`t forget to keep your phones on silent, especially if your ringtone is `I like big butts and I do not lie!`
Don’t be scared of making changes. Be scared of living the same shitty life because you didn’t change. And spiders. Be scared of them too.
Have you noticed that the "lol" symbol looks like a drowning guy? i bet hes not laughing out loud