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Everyone around me keeps telling me I`m mean ... Which is absurd ... Plus, they`re ugly.
I can´t wait until Weight Watchers comes out with a beer.
“I promise”, “I am sorry”, and “I love you” all have eight letters, but then again, so does “bullshit”.
No one knows what women really want, but everyone agrees it still won`t be enough.
I knew the fun part of my life was over when my friends started getting pregnant on purpose
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a prescription bottle that says, "May cause extreme sexiness."
I have a moderate amount of skills in life, but one of those things does NOT include the ability to stop eating.
Sometimes Google should just come back with a message that says “trust me, you don’t want to know.”
Some people just need a high-five. In the face. With a chair. Made of steel. Twice. From Hulk. On adrenaline rush.
Whenever you feel sad, just remember that somewhere in this world there`s an idiot pulling a door that says "PUSH"..
I find if you sprinkle some bacon bits on a salad, but don’t actually add any salad, then its a pretty good salad.
Well it`s almost time for that " New Year -- New Me " bullsh_t again!
One of the biggest decisions when you go to college is whether to join a fraternity or just be an asshole on your own.
Elevators are so stupid. They have a button for the floor I`m already on.
My boss yelled at me yesterday "It`s the fifth time you`ve been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?!" I said, "Probably that it`s Friday?"…