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Always have faith and believe in yourself…well because..the rest of us think you’re an idiot!
Why be difficult, when with just a little more effort, you can be impossible.
I don`t see the point of sex if the neighbours don`t hear it.
When you drink Vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure, When you drink Rum over ice, it can give you liver failure, When you drink Whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems, When you drink Gin over ice, it can give you brain problems. Apparently, ice is really bad for you.
I know they didn`t ask for it, but I sent a stool sample in with my tax returns.
"Mail your packages early so the Post Office can lose them in time for Christmas."
Did I already do my deja vu joke?
A shark will only attack you if you’re wet.
Humans claim to be the superior species, but a penguin can use its own body as a toboggan so who`s the real winner?
Hey bartender, pour me another, I see ugly people.
I could be a morning person....if morning happened around noon.
Texting while sitting at a stop light: Helping save lives every day by preventing T-bone collisions with drivers who run red lights. Because of that extra minute it takes for you to realize that the light has turned green, the driver who has no regard for the safety of others entering the intersection legally, can now safely clear the intersection without causing a collision. For this, we thank you.
I have a condition that renders me unable to go on a diet… I get hungry.
ATMs should have built in breathalyzers. I would save so much money.
It must be exhausting being offended by everything.