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If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I`m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
I hate to sound racist, but.. all of your baby ultrasounds look the same.
If you don`t pay your exorcist do you get repossessed?
The reason i connot lie is because i like big butts.
If you can´t amaze people with your intelligence, confuse them with your bullsh*t
I see you liked my status... I accept your invitation for sex.
I’m not stealing my neighbor’s WiFi…their WiFi is trespassing into my house.
If you’re happy and you know it, you’re probably exhausting to be around.
You got your chocolate in my peanut butter!
Now that I think about it... Facebook became popular ever since I made an account.
My ex was in a swimming competition with 19 other women today. They were doing the breaststroke. Unfortunately, she came in last place. She didn`t know she could have used her arms!
I do yoga to relieve stress. Just kidding. I drink wine in yoga pants.
"I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? `cause I smell carrots..." ~ Snowmen.
Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I know where you can buy drugs"
First rule of Pizza club, you don’t share it.