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Just woke up next to my bed. Not sure if I fell out or didn`t quite make it in.
WARNING!! I have character defects and I`m not afraid to use them.
My cardio is shopping.
Well it`s about time I get in line for that Star Wars movie
If the cigarette tax is meant to discourage smoking, is the income tax meant to discourage working?
If I live to be 100, I`m gonna make up some fake reason why, just to mess with people. Like, I ate a pine cone, or drank olive oil every single day...
You know you`re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you`re down there.
Lesson Learned: I poured bleach on the asshole that cut me off at the self-checkout. According to the cop, I misunderstood asshole bleaching.
Dear naps, I`m sorry I was such a jerk to you as a kid.
You know it`s cold outside when during rush hour you get the mitten instead of the finger.
Me and the gummy bears have a plot to rule the world but shhhhh its a secret.
I asked my wife what women really want, she said attentive lovers. Or maybe she said "a tent of lovers." I wasn`t really listening.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee`s you`re buying it off of sure can.
I hate when people passive-aggressively post vague, indirect statuses. You know who you are...
If women kept their feelings to themselves would they explode? Guess we`ll never know.