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It hurts to be in love. Oh wait, I`m sitting on my keys.
My Wife: Why are you home so early? Me: My boss told me to go to hell
Stress balls work really well when you shove them down someone`s throat.
I`m already going to hell ... now I`m just trying to get a good spot.
Thank God you`ve updated your status to "Finished lunch" after you first posted "Going to lunch" I really couldn`t tolerate more suspense.
We need to DETACH from all this technology and live life in the moment. Sent from my iPhone
Make Monday More Fun: Unplug the copier at work and put a sign on it that says “Now Voice Activated!” Sit back and watch the magic unfold..
I`m high as a kite! Let me rephrase that: I`m stuck in a tree.
My therapist says I`m a clueless, un-observant trainwreck. Which is weird because up until this moment, I never even knew he was a therapist.
New favorite term: Multislacking. It’s nice to find a name for something you’re good at.
Sleep is like a time machine to breakfast.
I’m positive that somewhere out there exists a video montage of me dancing alone in various elevators.
Probably a good thing I`m not a ghost cause I`d just stay in the kitchen and scare people then eat all their food.
Skinny people are bitches. Probably because they`re hungry.
What does "it" mean in the sentence "What time is it?"?