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“What doesn’t kill you makes you smaller.” ~Mario
I was all "I`m not taking any sh!t from you" and she was all "to speak to a member of our customer service team, press 1".
Edward Scissorhands will never win a game of rock, paper, scissors.
The difference between cars and whales is that whales can swim and cars can`t.
Facebook Stalker! If you just felt a sudden twinge of guilt then yes I`m talking about you.
Doing some caroling! All by myself. In people`s backyards. In the bushes. Very little singing. Mostly watching. -Bfanch
Just took an inventory of my body and it appears to be overstocked in all the wrong places.
I really think that Caller ID needs to be more detailed. It should say things like "Wants help moving" or "Will whine about bad relationship."
If I could get a firm grip on reality...I`d probably choke it.
Must be nice to get married and finally know who the number one suspect in your murder case will be
My dentist said that bacon and soda works the same as toothpaste. Friends have said she meant baking soda....but I disagree. :)
God is testing me today, but I don`t think he realizes I`m a `C` student.
Man, just think how crazy Gollum goes on the 5th day of Christmas.
If she owns more than 4 pairs of yoga pants, expect A LOT of text messages
Why get married? Just pick a girl you hate and buy her a house.