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Is it just me or when you turn off the computer by holding down the power button, it feels like I’m choking it to death.
If you make something easier for yourself they call you lazy. If you make something easier for everyone else they call you a genius.
I don’t want to sound racist, but all stormtroopers look the same to me.
Bad Morning: As I sit on the throne remembering I used all the toilet paper last night for Halloween pranks.
A lot of you lose your sh!t and have some pretty epic, public meltdowns. I just wanted to say thanks.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it`s like excuse me, I`m working here.
Yes, I realize I’m leaving early. But don’t forget, I also came in late.
Can we just stop with the pre-sliced cheese? Is anyone so busy that they don’t have time to cut the cheese?
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Sh!t Sherlock Research Institute.
I love it when someone insults me. That means I don`t have to be nice anymore.
When I was a child, I wanted to be a surgeon. But apparently I was too young
“Don’t make me regret this.” -things I think when accepting a friend request.
Yes, I talk to myself...Yes, I answer myself and Yes, I argue with myself....and the makeup sex is awesome.
For just 3 cents a day, all of my followers can help me quit my job...
I`m surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I`ve dropped my phone.