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Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Why didn`t you text me? I`ll never call you back. Like, ever. You`d have better luck with a telegram.
Things I didn`t learn in high school... how to pay bills buy a house apply for college but thank goodness I can graph a polynomial function.
Video games are cool because they let you experience fantastical power-fantasies. for example in The SIMS you have a job and a house.
´s status message is better than yours
Can everyone come to my funeral in FBI outfits, stand at the back & not say a word to my parents so they think I lived a cool double life.
the ulitmate moment is when your identical twin says your ugly
When I`m bored, I send a random text to a random number saying "I hid the body... now what?"
The difference between cheating on your wife and cheating on your taxes is if you tell the truth, the IRS still wants to f*ck you.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can`t do is pick up it`s own poop. You`re just a poop collector.
Only a fool trips on what`s behind him.
Scientists have yet to explain how 300 people can be working at a Wal-Mart but only 4 registers will be open.
There is no vulnerable feeling like when you are about to sneeze ... with a mouthful of rice.
Just think, there is an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: "Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?"
Ran into a former supervisor from my last job today, kept driving.
Every store should have one line for people who have their sh!t together.