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Call me crazy, but I don`t think I really need to be in this mental institution.
I love you all so much right now because, well, alcohol.
Who cares about throwing stones? How do people in glass houses hide when somebody knocks on the door?
If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I’d be like “Sit your translucent ass down, I have a lot of questions!”
Instead of presidential debates, we should just have a dance-off.
Instead of having a child, I intend to spend my life acting like one.
I like to keep bartenders on their toes by making up drinks on the spot. "Yeah, I`ll take a Dirty Hammock."
Whoever said, "All men are created equal", obviously has never received any d!ck pics
“Hey baby, do you smell that?” “No.” “Me neither, start cooking.”
Took my 3rd self-defense class, so if anyone feels like attacking me straight on, very slowly, w/ a fake knife in their right hand, BRING IT
I`m motivated by a need to leave something meaningful in the world & a profound desire to shove it in the face of anyone who`s rejected me.
I’m going to start wearing Summer’s Eve as a cologne. The vast majority of beautiful women seem to be attracted to douches.
Every pizza is a personal pizza if you eat the entire thing.
Several years ago Facebook came in to our lives forever changing our ability to judge each other from our couches.
I really have to stop using this little microphone on my phone that types whatever you say as it keeps making mistakes punctuation point