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A stranger at Walmart just coughed in my face, so I`ve probably only got two, maybe three, days to live.
I bet spongebob will get his license before Taylor Swift finds love.
The guy who invented wet t-shirt contests probably has no idea that shirts can just be taken off.
The only time my wife will ever scream "DEEPER, DEEPER" is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
To clear a pop-up ad online, I was just forced to agree that "I don`t care about being healthy and smelling clean."
Getting to places would be so much easier if I had a helicopter.
I`m as conflicted as a strip club addict with a glitter allergy.
Weird is just a side effect of being awesome.
whoo hoo...I have new gutters. Please try and keep your mind out of them.
If you hear a roommate having loud sex, a cool thing to do is kick down the door and shout "player 3 has entered the game!"
If you get pulled over in a Smart Car for speeding, you should get a standing ovation, not a ticket.
Sometimes I add things to my to-do list that I’ve already done just so I can immediately cross them off.
The police want to interview me. Strange, I didn`t even apply for a job there.
CONGRATULATIONS! You are the 13th woman he`s called "beautiful" on Facebook today.
If you see a guy with no arms and your first thought is “My God how does he drink his beer??”, You might be an alcoholic.