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SCIENCE FACT: If you close your eyes, you won`t be able to see.
I need my decision making privileges taken away.
Sometimes I wish you could ask the pharmacist to "make it a double".
I often wondered what it`d be like to be married to an idiot. I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while...
when i have children im going to make them watch 2012 and tell them i survived all of that.
People assume Iām smart when they see my glasses case. Then they see that I use it to store a Snickers bar and they recognize my true genius.
My wife is pissed at me again...appearently I am breathing wrong.
Remember, Christmas is over if you sit on a strangers lap now and ask for stuff it`s because you`re a whore.
Maybe America will believe in global warming if we make it a Snapple Fact.
Wishing a happy unbirthday to everybody who`s birthday isn`t today.
I`ve had enough of my neighbours blasting their music from their backyard. I`m not annoyed cause it`s so loud, i`m annoyed cause they`re Korean & they`ve still yet to play Gangnam Style!
I`m pretty sure if you watched a movie of my life backwards it probably would be about a guy who refills beer cans and puts them in the fridge.
For once in my life, Iād like to get up in the morning and be as excited about it as my p@nis is.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I`m bored of paying for things
Ugh, stalkers are horrible. You`d think someone could`ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.