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I hope these bad jokes distract you from the fact you`re getting screwed. - Car insurance commercials
"No I don’t need any help. I know more about booze than you do" - Me to the liquor store clerk
Walked into the kitchen for orange juice; walk out with sandwich, crackers, chocolate milk, and the TV remote I lost 30 minutes ago
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles and pay to walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
doesn`t mind that people start spreading rumors about me.. it’s when they spread the truth that I’m screwed ;)
One things for sure, I can always count on my fingers.
Roses are red, Violets are blue... Sunflowers are yellow. I bet you thought this would be something sweet and charming, but it`s just some garden facts.
The hardest part about having a vivid imagination is finding enough things to climb on to avoid all the frickin’ lava on the floor!
Condoms prevent minivans.
I wish my life had background music so I could figure out what the hell is going on.
Being an American is awesome. The end.
A female mantis kills the male after sex. That used to seem cruel, but now that I’m married with kids I think the male mantis gets off easy.
Don`t sweat the petty things and don`t pet the sweaty things.
These statuses are a lot better if you imagine them being read by Morgan Freeman.