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It`s impossible to look cool while holding onto a leash attached to a dog who is taking a crap.
The pollen is so bad this year that the people in the trailer parks are turning their crystal meth back into Sudafed.
Could you guys just scroll a little? I was really funny yesterday.
Things to do today.....pet all the spiders in my house at least twice with my shoe.
Any pencil can be a number two pencil if you eat it.
Do you guys know there are "actual" people out there that don`t have a Facebook account? What the hell do they do all day?
Maybe it`s inappropriate for the first date but if there`s a maze on the menu I`m asking for crayons.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took....
I have an irrational fear of speed bumps but, I’m slowly getting over it.
1) Go to Starbucks 2) Order coffee 3) Tell them your name is Waldo 4) Leave
If you were a cookie, you’d be a whoreo.
I don`t know what I would do without Facebook, but I`m sure it would be something more productive
This chick I met last week says she wants a guy who is `funny and spontaneous`, yet when I tap on the kitchen window uninvited late at night dressed as a clown it`s all pantic and screaming.
My diet could best be described as, "unchaperoned child at a birthday party."
If you can read this please let me know - because it means I blocked the wrong person.