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Wouldn’t it be great to hear a priest say “been there, done that” in reply to your confessed sins?
Anyone who believes that children are our future has not been to a mall recently.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
I haven`t slept for three days, because that would be too long
What do sleeping and sex have in common? I`m not getting nearly enough of either.
“Get your panties in a bunch” would make a great slogan at Costco.
"Go left at the chopsticks in the road" - Chinese directions
Cake and pie can’t compete. If you put candles in a cake it’s birthday cake. Put candles in a pie and someone’s drunk in the kitchen.
Can you imagine how sexy I`d be if I ate right and took care of my body... I`m not going to, but can you imagine
I DON`T HATE YOU,I`M JUST NOT NECESSARILY EXCITED ABOUT YOUR EXISTENCE!
I ordered a new GPS unit, but it got lost in the mail.
I rather be a known drunk, than an Anonimous Alcoholic
The early bird gets the worm! So does the late bird. They all get worms all the time; there`s tons of those things. Relax, there will always be a lota worms......
If you`re ever sad, just imagine how much worse it would be to be a tree that spent years and years growing up, only to end up as a Justin Bieber notebook
My credit score is so bad I have started receiving pre-declined credit card offers