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There’s a special place in Hell for people who call to see if you got their email!
I`m not upset because it`s Monday, I`m upset because I have to wear pants
Men look at boobs for the same reason women look at puppies in a cage, we just want to set them free.
I gave up on humanity when I picked up this girl`s phone and saw that my number was saved as Free Food.
Married sext: I`m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times
I’m sad when my food is over.
If you pull the pin out of a grenade, can you put it back in and let go? I`m going to need a quick answer for this....
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
thumbs up if you pee on the side of the toilet to make it quiet.
Make BIG mistakes in life. Those people are remembered forever. On Youtube.
My grocery cart right now says ” I’m getting drunk and doing laundry tonight!” And also. “I like fruit.”
What do you mean being awesome for another year isn`t a resolution?
If something rolls off of my plate... I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
I have noticed that everyone who is for abortion, has already been born.
I hope daylight savings time hasn`t thrown you off your schedule of doing nothing.