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My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying don`t run into anyone you know
I have a feeling I already know which direction my "Get rich or die trying" lifestyle is headed.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts...it would be very creepy.
A recent survey of one person revealed that 100% of me thinks that I should leave work early.
Sometimes I wonder how people who don`t have kids get their TV remotes from the other side of the room.
"Of course you`re the prettiest girl here, you just need to talk louder" - alcohol
If the people in horror movies would just listen to me, they would still be alive!
I try not to work that much. That way I make less mistakes.
I hate when I explain how awesome I am to someone and they pretend to not be impressed.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah`s ark.
Just because you`re not paranoid doesn`t mean they`re not out to get you.
Curling irons have a warning tag that says “For External Use Only.” Which of you sick mofos made that necessary?
Card on top of gift reads `I want you wearing this tonight` only to open the gift to find NOTHING
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at McDonalds... Not funny, grow up.
Holy sh!t Karma, how much longer till we`re all squared up?