Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Today has me seriously evaluating my policy of not drinking on the job.
My girlfriend says I talk while I sleep... but I`m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
Not sure why my wife is only mad at me, our 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
He turned to her, ran his hand up her thigh, across her belly and down her legs. When he turned back to watch TV, she asked "Why stop?" "I found the remote!" he replied.
I`m celebrating 1 year of sobriety today ... I think it was 1989 ... Cheers!
I Googled, “Who gives a sh!t?” and I was not in the search results.
Life is a constant battle between my love of food & not wanting to get fat.
My level of sarcasm is to a point where I don’t even know if I’m kidding or not.
Taking my wife to a wife swapping party tonight… Hoping to get a PS4 in return.
My wife has spent all day arguing that she isn`t stubborn...
Today I learned that not all people like ventriloquists. Particularly my gynecologist.
So last night I put a whopee cushion on moms chair, waited and finally heard it go off.. I walk in with a massive smile on my face to find out that she hadn`t even sat on it yet.
I`ve found a new coping mechanism....................COOKIES!
I thought `Pokemon` was a Jamaican Porn... My bad...
Tequila is Spanish for I’m open to waking up anywhere.