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I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive ..."Hi"
When I`m home alone, every noise I hear is a serial killer
I wouldn`t mind being alone with my thoughts, if I didn`t know them all so well.
Fun thing to do: Go to a parking lot and put sticky notes on peoples cars saying "sorry for the damage" and watch them look for it
There is no better indication of how drunk you are than how loudly you declare that you`re not.
Why would anybody put 99 bottles of beer up on a wall in the first place?
Every semicolon I have ever used has been a complete guess.
I don’t think girls realize how handsome my mom says I am.
When everything else fails... you always have delusion.
since when was it cool to have an iPhone at the age of 10.. i sincerely hope those parents know what they`ve done.
"Never go to bed angry" is the worst advice ever. I haven`t slept in a week!
Accidentally ran over my neighbor’s cat today and I was scared to tell him to his face so I left a note saying “Curiosity was here”
True Story: People will believe you when start a story saying "True story"
I dont care how you live your life, so just let me live mine. Yeah whatever.
Men use love to get sex. Women use sex to get love. I use coupons to get pizza.