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I love running my fingers through my girlfriend`s hair. It`s also a great way to let her know we`re out of napkins.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Two Best Advices For Safe Life : 1. Always Speak The Truth, No Matter How Bitter Harsh It Is ... 2. Run Immediately After Saying It..
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Why didn`t you text me? I`ll never call you back. Like, ever. You`d have better luck with a telegram.
Facebook needs a "slap a b!tch button"
If "The Breakfast Club" were made today, it would be a silent film about 5 kids staring at their phones.
"Wow, you look good today!” is not a compliment if it comes with a genuinely surprised look.
Being able to eat while watching Hannibal makes you more of a psychopath than anyone on the show.
If life is unfair to everyone, doesn`t that make life fair?
Batman had the bat signal. If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
I could be a morning person....if morning happened around noon.
To be clever can be difficult without caffiene.
There’s no such thing as being ready for vacation to be over.
A girl who lives hundreds of miles away texting you “I’m drunk” is like a lasagna texting you from Italy saying “I’m delicious”
My pet rock turned 4,054,870,001 today