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That awkward moment when You accidentally hit the LIKE button During Facebook stalking.
Finally figured out what women want...SECURITY!!!......(At least that`s what they all yell when I try to talk to them...)
My wife said she wanted to feel special. So I gave her a helmet and some crayons. Perhaps I misunderstood her?
Times change When I was a kid, werewolves and vampires were very scary. Now everyone wants to have sex with them
I`m looking for a new personal trainer, the last one didn`t work out
Nothing good has ever come from answering a call from a blocked phone number.
People with pierced nipples have no excuse for losing their keys.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
My resolution for the New Year is to find more situations where it`s acceptable to wear a bathrobe out in public
You know that you have eaten way too much junk food when you start actually craving something healthy.
Writing is a great career when people like hearing what you have to say but don`t want to look at you.
Grabbed Pizza Roll. Thought "my god that is so hot it`s burning my fingers" and immediately popped it in my mouth ... I`m a goddamn genius.
In case I drink too much and pass out for a while, Merry Christmas you guys.
If you tell people you used to weigh 500 pounds they`ll tell you how great you look at 250.
morning i hate girls evening i need girls