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When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then go find somebody whose life gave them vodka and throw a party.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
How can I love nature when it did this to my hair?
I had to explain the Goonies today... so I`m feeling super old and bitter.
Don’t jump to confusions.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Hey, how long are you supposed to chase someone after they steal your wallet? Cause I`m getting tired of running and he`s catching up to me.
I hate when homesless people shake their cup of coins at me. It`s like yeah I know you have more money than me, no need to rub it in.
This is not meant for you. Look away. STOP LOOKING AT IT! :)
Why do ballerinas always stand in their toes? Why don`t they get taller dancers?
When your feeling down, I will be there to feel you up. ;)
When setting the table, does the remote go to the left or the right of the dinner plate?
The Super Bowl is over, everyone. Time to briefly learn the names of some Winter Olympians.
Sometimes I think "Screw this ... I`ll just be a stripper!"
I just did a weeks worth of cardio after I walked into a spider`s web.