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“If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my best” literally translates to “I’m a loud, sloppy drunk.”
I was born to make mistakes, not to fake perfection.
So many feelings today. Mostly hunger.
You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.
“Get your panties in a bunch” would make a great slogan at Costco.
I found the "one" today! Surprisingly, It`s been on my keyboard all the time.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is. She`s not dead, just very condescending.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it`s considered responsible. But if you do that with your gf, it`s called "cheating."
You know nothing about a woman until she`s drunk and mad at you
China has largest population not because the men are extra horny nor women are extra fertile but because... Their condoms are made in China.
The general rule is that you shouldn`t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
in wine there is wisdom. in beer there is freedom. in water there is... umm bacteria
I’m not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced.
Yawning is the body`s way of saying `10% Battery Remaining`.