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People always get so excited about the next generation iPhone but no one has caught up with the awesome technology that`s called a Turn Signal.
If you see someone crying, ask if it`s because of their haircut.
I am pretty sure dry cleaning is a scam where they just laugh and rub money on your clothes then hang them back up in a plastic bag.
I made a salad with red wine vinaigrette only I left out the vinegar and the oil and ok it`s just lettuce with wine all over it. Anyhoo, I`m drunk.
The judge says I`m a repeat offender, but he always says that.
Don’t waste electricity. How would you like it if I turned you on and walked away?
Who wants to do something we will regret in the morning? Anyone?
Wife: give me money I want to buy a bra. Husband: you`ve got nothing to put in them. Wife: you wear shorts
Slowly, Waldo`s wife and Mr. Sandiego started putting the pieces together.
Everyone’s an optimist when it comes to their car’s fuel gauge.
Ohio - High in the middle, and round at the ends.
You chicks spend a lot of money on makeup to look pretty. Save your cash, buy him Alcohol.
How can you tell if someone went to the gym? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you.
How can they have a Facebook group called Facebookers Anonymous? That`s like trying to hold a successful AA meeting in a bar.
Life is like a burrito. If you fill it with too many things it falls apart and then you cry and they kick you out of Chipotle.