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Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have diarrhea!
I don`t mind sharing the highway with other people. I just wish they`d use the part behind me.
Don’t worry I won’t tell anyone.. and if I do, I’ll tell them not to tell anyone.
Imagine how bad it would be if everyone could hear what you were thinking.
I don`t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Three guys walk into a bar. Two ended up with a concussion, the other needed 4 stitches.
I remember 2011 like it was yesterday. ;)
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim.
Most days the best thing about my job is that my chair spins
I have never met a woman without wondering what her box of cookie recipes looks like.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Just heard some guy yell "F**K!" ... I thought this was impressive because not many people can pronounce asterisks.
I just saved a lot of money in child support by switching to condoms!
The only clubs I’m into are sandwiches.
I love watching The Simpsons. They never get old.