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Me putting up with you is your Christmas present.
This is a private status. Please don`t tell anyone about it.
Roses are red, violets are blue, If i had a brick id throw it at you.
I just found handcuffs, a whip and a mask in my girlfriend’s bedroom. I can’t believe she’s a super hero.
There`s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself " thank god the cops are here"
Don`t act like your not impressed.
Doing the moonwalk is the only way to look cool while wiping dog crap off your shoes.
I just broke my record for most days lived.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy but sometimes I let her sleep instead..
When I`m in a good mood I act like I`m I`m in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.
Yawning is our body`s way of saying 10% of battery remaining.
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest? An investigator. Hahaha I’m so sorry. No I’m not.
Don`t text me while I`m texting you. Now I have to go back and change my text.
I hope my liquor store is having an after Christmas sale!!
I am a gentleman, based on the clubs I go to.