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Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Me: Probably still mirrors.
I have thought a lot about it and I am thrilled to announce that I have decided to never die.
Turbo tax might just be the worst video game I ever played.
One day, I will solve my problems with maturity. Today, however, it will be with alcohol.
I don`t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
I chose the wrong fork in the road, took the road less travelled and got off the beaten path and now I don`t know where the hell I am.
Well, I`m really not sure what my spirt animal is but I`m sure it looks like road kill right about now.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they`re the problem is the other half.
this is a status you spent your time reading: sj
I know exactly how a bomb technician feels when I try to open a cup of cherry mixed fruit without the juice spraying out.
I can’t afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.
30 seconds left on the microwave ~ Women: set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone ~ Men: do the space shuttle countdown
If anyone ever steals my identity, I hope they show it a good time. Take it skydiving. We`ve always wanted to go skydiving.
I`m pretty sure even Santa wishes they would stop playing Christmas music on the radio this time of year.
I wish the minutes after hitting the snooze button lasted as long as microwave minutes.