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In my most recent survey,,, four out of five women talked crap about the fifth one whenever she was out of earshot.
I`ve always wondered how the job application process at Hooters works. Do they give you a bra and orange shorts and say, "Here, can you fill these both out"?
I went to the bank and said I`d like to open a joint account. They said "With who?" I said "Anyone who has a lot of money!"
Always give 100% at work: 12% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 20% Thursday, 5% Friday.
Timehop... reminding us that the stupid people we know today were just as stupid 5 years ago.
I wonder if they let me grow cannabis on Farmville, I`ll be able to sell it on Mafia Wars?
likes beer. On occasion, I will even drink beer to celebrate major events such as the my birthday or the fact that that it`s Monday.
The queen honey bee has up to 40 sexual partners a day, just like your ex.
If the people in horror movies would just listen to me, they would still be alive!
Guy at Dairy Queen was yelling at everybody because they didn`t have waffle cones but they had pictures of waffle cones. That guy was me.
Having a bad day? Imagine a T-Rex trying to masturbate. you`re welcome.
I`d like to thanks all the girls for wearing yoga pants. It is the only reason why we`re not complaining about how cold this winter it
My internet was down for almost 4 mins,im ok but the 911 operator was a total b**ch about it!
I bought a little bag of air today, and the company that made it were kind enough to put some potato chips in it.
I got rid of all the bad influence people in my life and now I`m bored.