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The hardest part about being rejected is that I end up liking them even more as a person for their ability to make great decisions.
You millennials and your obsession with public healthcare. Back in my day we just died
I bet the hardest part of working the poison control hotline is not finishing your sentences with "...you ignorant dumbass"
I stick pins and needles in the people I don`t like because can`t afford voodoo dolls.
Give a fish some bread and he`ll eat for a day. Teach a fish to be a flying piranha and he`ll eat for a lifetime.
Are the unmarried employees at Kraft known as Kraft singles?
North West: Daddy what were you famous for? Kanye: rapping. North West: Mommy what were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
It’s called sarcasm, and it confuses stupid people.
You`ll notice you never see sweatpants with "Classy" written across the butt.
From now on when I accept a friend request I`ll just write on their wall: You belong to me now.
Whenever somebody is murdered, the 1st person the police investigae is the spouse. That should tell you all you need to know about marriage.
Does running out of money count as exercise?
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
Life is basically just a constant effort to not be disgusting.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music”... but when I do it, I’m “wasted” and “have to leave Home Depot"