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Spent the morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Today I saw a baby with a bib that said `This dumbass put my cape on backwards.`
Apparently, “I had an interview with a better company” is not an acceptable reason for being late for work.
If you have to ask if it`s too early to drink wine...You`re an amateur and we can`t be friends.
The difference between cars and whales is that whales can swim and cars can`t.
Video games are cool because they let you experience fantastical power-fantasies. for example in The SIMS you have a job and a house.
Remember kids- Respect your fathers! Besides, before you came out of your moms, you came out of your dad.
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: ‘last warning, you have a week to get the money together.’
Definitely never want to own a small fruit stand in an action movie.
I should come with a warning label.
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge, "It`s not working. I cant take it anymore, I`m going to moms" I opened the fridge, the light came on, the beer was cold, WTF is she talking about?
In every organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.
auto-correct has got to be my worst enema.
Are you reading this from a toilet? I`m writing this from one.
The hardest part of carving a pumpkin nowadays is finding some newspaper to spread