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I don`t always play candy crush. But when I do, I have tourettes like a motherf*cker.
Wait...so the "c-word" isn`t co-worker?
Why I stay slim? I once was forced to pay for two plane tickets, one for a person who wasn`t travelling with me. That`s why.
Either my cooking’s improved or my family’s immune systems have strengthened.
Before criticizing my taste, remember that I like you.
I wonder if the Ziploc bag company secretly lobbies to keep marijuana illegal.
Holidays, hotels and women. Three things that always look better online than in real life.
I`d be super embarrassed if people saw my google history but only because its all words I should really know how to spell by now
People are making Rapture jokes like there`s no tomorrow.....
If someone tells you `I love you` but you don`t feel the same way and don`t wanna make it awkward just say `I love YouTube` really fast
If you`re not employed by the Secret Service, there is absolutely no reason to have a Bluetooth on your ear.
There are only two types of honest people in this world.....small children and drunk people.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
If it`s the thought that counts ... Then I should probably be in jail
I was wondering why some couples don`t go to the gym together but I guess some relationships just don`t work out...