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There`s a certain age where you can no longer use the term "Good girl gone bad". It`s more like "Her old a$$ should know better"
Boss: You`re on another break already? Me: No. This is the same one you saw me on an hour ago.
I thought I was having deja vu, but it turns out I do the exact same things every day.
Why do guys go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. There`s like 10 women to each man and they`re already there looking for things they don`t need.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel... It was 3 weeks from tomorrow.
Guests are coming over for Thanksgiving... Almost time to booby trap the medicine cabinet with marbles.
No matter how little I do in a day. I always feel like I could have done less.
NEWS FLASH: Man arrested for having sex with a tree.....Police confirm he had wood!!!
The hostess said to sit wherever I want, but the couple at this table are giving each other weird looks and have totally stopped talking.
ok ladies quick question?,say a guy wanted to wear a thong does he tuck shirt in or out? Asking for a friend.
I know how to wink my eye in like twelve different languages.
I am a brilliant man, I just sometimes can`t remember where I parked my car.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought "Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness" was inappropriate.
Eww!!! Beer does NOT taste good on Cocoa Puffs! ..I`m switching back to my Fruit Loops! ;)
Look, here’s the deal: If you’re into immature, sexually compulsive men who drink too much and need to be the center of attention at all times, you are going to find me very attractive.