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On my tombstone I want it to say: ‘I didn’t forward the text message to 15 friends.” ;)
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy...so I came back drunk.
Key to a great marriage ... Lack of imagination.
Artificial intelligence is a wonderful thing. I told my computer that today is my birthday, and it said that I needed an upgrade.
The difference between a straight girl and a lesbian is about four or five drinks.
Just saw the first duckface of Spring.
The Braille on the drive-thru ATM actually says, "Move to the passenger seat"
Keep reaching for the stars but please get a better deodorant.
I haven`t seen any new episodes of Gilligan`s Island in awhile... I hope they`re OK.
I hate waiting until I`m dead. I want to haunt people now dammit.
Words and phrases I hope do not appear in my obituary: "Skeletal remains", "Dumpster", "Beyond recognition", "Decapitated", "Dental records", "Shallow grave", "Strewn", and "Suicide by Cop."
Within 2 minutes, I can gather enough things to allow me to sit and watch tv without getting up for at least 4 hours... Don`t question my laziness
I`ve decided to start taking more supplements: calcium pills for my bones, ginkgo pills for my memory, milk thistle for my liver, ginkgo pills for my memory...
"Please take a seat" was a bad introduction for a Kleptomaniacs` Anonymous meeting.
Every Girls Night Out has at least one crier.