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A good husband is like a bra. He should be supportive and help support your burdens, but mostly he`s just there to touch your boobs.
Dating: the process of hiding your crazy just long enough to get the other person to commit.
Two Best Advices For Safe Life : 1. Always Speak The Truth, No Matter How Bitter Harsh It Is ... 2. Run Immediately After Saying It..
I`ll never become mature enough to not laugh out loud when the person in the stall next to me farts so loud it sounds like a volcano just erupted.
The Swiss must`ve been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.
I watch so many crime shows on Tv, that when I turn off the Tv set, I wipe my fingerprints 0ff the remote.
"Let`s give the bad guy a ponytail." - 80s movies
Most people don`t think I`m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
I have Beer.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
Sometimes I like to take a roll of duct tape and use it to cover up all the Mondays on my desk calendar.
Home is where I can look ugly and enjoy it.
You say mystery bruise, I say drinking badge of honor.
Sobriety and I have agreed to see other people today
I don´t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.