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I hope Mexico doesn`t raise the cost of Tequila to pay for this wall.
The most annoying are those people in great shape at the gym…. I’m like, “What are you doing here? You’re done.”
I have this great midnight snack it`s called, what do I think my roommate won`t notice if I eat the edges off of
I have an awesome idea, but first I`ll need a zebra, bungee cords, jello, and a partner in crime. Any takers?
Yes I`m still bitter about my name not being mentioned in "Mambo No. 5"
I gauge a person’s wealth by the level of protection on their iPhone. No case, huge salary.
You can dress for success or undress for it. It depends on what type of work you want.
They told me to never give up. Now they call me a stalker.
“Screw it” – My final thought before making most decisions.
wants to jump in a cab and yell "follow that car!"
If they made a movie of my life, it would just be a lot of scenes where I`m looking for something to wipe my hands on.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
I`m tired of being the better person. One day I`d like to be the b!tch they claim I am.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there`s no better excuse to ignore someone.
Wow comma I just realized if I tap the microphone on my keyboard I don`t have to type out my statuses anymore exclamation point