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Big shout out to all the spiders not building their webs at face level.
I just realized that if we drink enough wine, the adult`s table will become the kid`s table.
"And then I rented a monster truck and drove it through their f*cking house!" - How all my stories would end if I was a billionaire.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, "Do you know what tomorrow is?" and watch the panic set in.
Got interrupted downloading the new version of iTunes by a pop up that asked if I wanted to download the even newer version of iTunes.
Unless your kid’s fundraiser is selling booze, I want no part of it.
I could never cheat in a relationship, That requires 2 women to find me attractive.
Who`s further now, the Energizer Bunny or Voyager 1?
If at first you don´t succeed ..... buy her another drink
The trouble with bucket seats is that, not everybody has the same size bucket.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don`t even have a battery in my smoke detector...
If there is a wrong place and a wrong time, I’ll be there.
Stealing other people`s statuses on Facebook is called a Facelift.