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Your lights are on but I see someone’s been playing with your dimmer switch.
I try to avoid things that make me look fat, like scales, mirrors and photographs!
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
One of these days I`m going to get help for my procrastination problem.
If you surround yourself with people funny enough to make you laugh till your abs hurt, you’ll never have to work out!
I hate Cheetos stains on my peignoir.........
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps "Latest Speculative News" or "We Really Don`t Know Shit" would work. CNN call me.
All I`m saying is you don`t see many neck tattoos on Jeopardy.
If Tetris has taught me anything it`s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Why is it that whenever you dial a wrong number, somebody always answers?
Agreeing to disagree is lame. Let’s agree to take turns slapping each other until one of us admits we were wrong.
Dear person reading this, just want you to know that someone cares about you. It`s not me, but I`m sure someone does...
Size does matter ... When ordering a pizza
Shout out to ATM fees for making me buy my own money.
I really have to stop using this little microphone on my phone that types whatever you say as it keeps making mistakes punctuation point