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My dog`s ratio of digging holes in my yard to finding buried treasure is not where I`d like it to be.
Whenever someone invites me to their home and I see more than 3 cars parked outside, I keep driving just in case it`s an intervention.
Walmart: the only place on Earth you can get a haircut, eye exam, ice cream sandwich, tires for your car, and witness a real life "what not to wear" episode.
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like "Dude, you have to wait."
How do they fit all that money inside such a tiny credit card??
It`s not cellulite, it`s my body`s way of saying "I`m sexy" ... in braille.
Always forgive your enemies. Nothing aggravates them so much. But if you really want to piss them off tell them you will pray for their souls.
If you can’t love the one you want, love someone who looks like them and just squint a lot.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish-- wait, I just realized I`ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
My favorite word is `apparently`. Makes anything sound sarcastic. He`s intelligent, apparently.
i just fell off a 20ft ladder.. good thing I was on the first step.
thjeo oskl asopa joa sajksla wioj apska shul bhcgy ....Yes I just wasted your time ;)
Maybe don`t show me a picture if you don`t want me to rate your baby.
Sometimes in life, all you really need is a lot of money.
I wonder if Oscar the Grouch has a hipster cousin somewhere that lives in a recycling bin