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Corduroy boxing gloves deliver the best punchlines.
Maybe vodka is addicted to me
A man walks into a bar & orders a beer. He drinks it, looks in his pocket & orders another. This happens 7 more times. Bartender asks, "What`s in your pocket?" Man says, "I have a photo of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I`ll go home."
If you`re going to walk a mile in my shoes...Can you pick me up some beer on your way back?
A genius would have put Kevin Bacon in Grease.
When I see a cute couple making out I yell, ” I knew you’re seeing somebody else!” and run crying.
Yet another advantage of being single. All I bring to Thanksgiving is empty Tupperware...
Instead of ‘gay friends’ can we say homiesexuals
Please don`t mistake my personality for flirting. Just because I`m awesome doesn`t mean I like you.
My rabbit died yesterday… Now he’s just some bunny that I used to know…
If you cut your child`s sandwich into squares instead of triangles, you suck at parenting...
thinks it`ll just be my luck to win the Lottery tonight ...... and the world WILL end tomorrow!
One night, as I as lying in bed, I looked up at the stars and thought to myself: "What the f#ck happened to the roof?"
I’m usually that person who has no idea what’s going on.
What was that idiot thinking when he invented white underwear?