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I`m on this great new diet called "sleep through breakfast"
Highway to Hell is a great song because you can play it at both your wedding and your funeral.
It’s not that I don’t want kids, it’s just that I don’t want a minivan.
I came home from the gym today staggering and sweating after pushing my body to the limit ... And all I did was sign up.
One way to know if someone is lying to you is if their facial mole is in a different place every time you see them
I’m so broke this New Years Im gonna party like its $19.99.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it`s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
Sometimes I think my job is actually a hidden-camera game show where they see how much absurd bullshit I’ll put up with before I catch on.
My "To Do" list today only had one entry: "Nothing". And it took me all day to finish it!
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
I wouldn`t mind all the penis enlargement emails if they weren`t coming from my wife.
Setting the alarm clock proves I`m capable of making the same mistake every day.
Is it ok to ask a very pregnant librarian if she`s overdue?
`Google`` must be a woman, because it knows everything.