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I have a confession to make. I was born with a rare disease called “Amazing.”
If, in your relationship, you hear "You`re suffocating me", you`re probably not holding down the pillow hard enough.
Hi, welcome to adulthood! You`ll be constantly tired except for right before you need to go to sleep.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Apparently, walking up behind a girl in the produce isle with celery in my hand and saying "I`m stalking you" was much funnier in my head.
What`s the right age to stop running naked from the bedroom to the bathroom?
Just give me coffee and no one gets hurt.
Decisions decisions ... Guess I`ll drink on it.
I love water. Especially when it`s frozen and surrounded by vodka.
You just dont know how dumb you are until you get a little smarter
Sticks and stones, break my bones, but hollow points expand on impact!
If your boyfriend answers your text while playing GTA, he doesn`t love you. He just died on the game.
There`s a time and a place for non-alcoholic beer. Never, and down the drain.
Follow your dreams. Unless it’s a person ... apparently they call that stalking.
I put the whiskey in another room ... Exercise regimen established.