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Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you`re a terrible person and had it coming.
All my bills say "outstanding", I guess that means I`m good to go!
It`s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you`ve reached your destination.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
If I live to be 100, I`m gonna make up some fake reason why, just to mess with people. Like, I ate a pine cone, or drank olive oil every single day...
Why the hell do we still use snow shovels when flame throwers are available?
I must have a great butt because every time I finish talking with someone and start to walk away, I hear them whisper "What an a$$."
Interviewer: "What did you like best about your last job?" Me: "Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake."
I was the hot single in my area the whole time.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a break and enter.
See, I would run, but it`s usually bodies of joggers that are found dead in the woods.
We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they`ll dig the wrong way. It`s called thinking ahead guys.
I wonder if strippers have nightmares about accidentally going to work fully clothed?
I`ve run out of things to be upset about. I hope Justin Bieber has kids soon.
When you introduce clapping to your dancing you might probably be too old to be in a night club at 1am.