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Dad, I love how we don`t even have to say out loud that I`m your favorite. Happy Fathers Day!
The person that named the eggplant probably isn’t allowed to name things anymore.
Career goal: Being successful enough to add bacon to my burger without asking how much more it costs.
Life is so unfair, why do we always want what we don`t have? For example, right now I want tacos
I`ve grown up a lot recently. For example, I used to drink beer all day and now I drink wine.
I`m an accident looking for a place to happen!
It`s depressing to think how much more Dora the Explorer has seen and done in her life compared to mine.
There are days when everything goes perfectly. . I wonder what those are like?
First thing I do in the morning: Look at the clock and hope I have more time to sleep.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
If you could see what goes on inside my head, you would have nightmares for weeks!
I guess if you spoke your mind, you´d be speechless, huh?
We are hosting a charity concert for people who struggle to reach orgasm. If you can’t come, let me know.
You wanna know where I`m ticklish? Hawaii.
Life is basically just a constant effort to not be disgusting.