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Just found some old sex coupons I got from an ex for my b-day. Any of you ladies take competitor`s coupons?
The moment you stop giving a damn is the moment things get easier and better.
Gentlemen may not be extinct, but they are definitely endangered
You`d think Pizza Hut would be able to upgrade to a house by now.
Sometimes I think I`m a relatively smart person. Other times I put my shoes on before my pants and realize who I really am.
4 out of 5 voices in my head think the other voice is a douche.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
I don`t know why I ever signed up for Facebook. I mean like seriously, this dating website sucks!
I`ll go to great lengths to scavenge other devices for batteries, before I will go out to buy new ones
"I can`t believe it`s not clutter." ~ A recovering hoarder
Some people just need a high-five. In the face. With a chair. Made of steel. Twice. From Hulk. On adrenaline rush.
I thought there`d be more sex during my sexual prime.
That awkward moment when kids see a toy they want on TV but the can`t get it because their parents must be 18 or older.
I didn’t sell my soul to the devil….we worked out a rent-to-own deal.
The trick to farting in an elevator is wearing a suit. No one ever suspects the guy in the suit.