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Iām not paranoid, but everyone thinks I am.
Ambulance is spelled backwards on the front so when you look in your rearview mirror you don`t confuse it with the other giant siren cubes.
To error is human, to forgive is divine, to keep your damn mouth shut is much appreciated.
Dear shaving commercials, stop shaving hairless legs. If you want impress us, please shave a gorilla.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Ever wanna tell someone to shut the f*ck up even when they are not speaking
Everyone has a purpose in life ... Perhaps mine is finding things to bitch about.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don`t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Admit it, you have that one voice that you only use on animals and babies.
If your drug dealer is always on time he is a cop ā¦
Always envied the kids who showed up to school with their 64 count Crayola crayons. If I wanted Burgundy or Salmon I had to ask in shame.
I found a real money maker in selling homing pigeons....... So far this month I sold mine 4 times.
I`m already an idiot, I just need a village.
I`m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating. - Guys.
RIP to my hair dryer. It was the only thing to blow me for the last 10 years and never complain.