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I drink to make other people interesting
I noticed the toilet roll incorrectly installed in your selfie.
Types of like on facebook: 1.Stalker like. 2.Crush like. 3.I wanna bang you like. 4.Agree like 5.Pity like.
What if God is a woman. Not only will I be going to Hell, but I`ll never hear the end of it.
If you hear a roommate having loud sex, a cool thing to do is kick down the door and shout "player 3 has entered the game!"
The secret of enjoying a good wine: 1) Open the bottle to allow it breathe. 2) If it does not look like it`s breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth.
Wife: Hi honey, did you miss me? Husband: With every bullet so far...
No matter which path you choose, there will always be some asshole in front of you trying to make a left.
People who eat grapes are impatient alcoholics
Waldo’s mom must be worried sick.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
The only thing my girlfriend blows is everything out of proportion.
I`m old enough to remember when having a long cord on the home phone was privacy.
You`re more inbred than sandwhich filler.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.