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"My phone`s about to die." -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call
I`m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Live in the moment. Unless the moment sucks. Then live on Facebook.
You’d think with as much time women spend looking at their ass in the mirror, they would be able to reverse into a parking spot.
Plumbers should keep busy this week now that No Shave November is over..
Tired of those Political Ads on television?...... You may be entitled to compensation.
I honestly don’t care if you think I’m crazy. You’re just a figment of my imagination anyway.
Just got legitimately excited when I remembered I can pay a person to drive a pizza to my house
I dated this musician who used to play songs for me over the phone. Then I realized he was just putting me on hold.
ok ladies quick question?,say a guy wanted to wear a thong does he tuck shirt in or out? Asking for a friend.
Sometimes I think I’m too picky. Then I watch my dog look for a place to poop.
I saw a comedian one time who did nothing but make geography puns. talk abbottabad act.
Always carry a knife. You never know when cake might happen.
If I had spoken to my parents the way some children do now, I would not be here to share this status.