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"You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this" -Guy who invented shovels
I love finding money in my clothes. It`s like a gift to me... from me. :)
I`ve considered changing career paths and becoming a demolitions expert, but then I hear the education may cost me an arm and a leg.
Steve Jobs` text was meant to say: "I reign as CEO of Apple" Iphone autocorrect strikes again!
I just became a professional Counterfeiter, I even have the certificates to prove it.
Dear New Years Resolutions People; You don`t have to wait for the New Year to get your sh*t together and become a better person.
What age is the best to break it to my kids, that they`re NOT adopted?
It`s not so much that I have to work that bothers me...oh wait, yes it is.
No, I don`t have tourette syndrome..I was just telling you what I think of you.
Any convenience store that requires the customer to wear pants isn’t convenient at all.
The guys at Home Depot must take classes to know exactly what I meant by "the little thing next to that one piece with the round thing."
Do you women realize how silly you all look with your clothes on?
Its all fun and games until someone drinks the beer with the cigarette butts in it..
Due to no supervision and sheer lack of self control; I sincerely with GREAT guilt! Here now inform you. I ate your banana split
Just saw a guy checking out my wife. Good luck buddy. I’m married to her and I don’t even have a chance.