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It’s annoying when Netflix keeps stopping to buffer. Stupid neighbors just won’t upgrade their WiFi.
Whenever someone tells me they like country music, I just look them in the eyes and ask "which country?"
Do gun manuals have Trouble Shooting sections?
I put on my pants like everyone else. Right after the security guard in Target says "Sir, we`re going to have to ask you to leave."
Seems like you could save a lot of time if you just paired The Bachelor with The Bachelorette.
My life is just a series of awkward moments separated by snacks.
The way you feel when your phone dies is exactly how Cinderella must have felt at midnight
I like my women like I like my motorcycles. Not ridden by all my friends.
I don’t think girls realize how handsome my mom says I am.
Wisdom for the day is , hot cheetos are not breakfast.
When I get to heaven, the first question I`m asking God is, why does my butt have more hair than my head?
If you`re going to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 10am, don`t be open.
Yesterday I fell off a 50 foot ladder. It`s probably a good thing I was on the bottom step...
Last night I got so drunk I blacked out for two hours, but then I realized I’d just put my hoodie on backwards
If Guys Wrote Valentine’s Cards: “I don’t even need beer to think you’re attractive.”