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Eventually I will find Bigfoot and he will tell me all he knows about Hide & Seek.
Nice try Jehovah’s Witnesses but dressing up like cops and telling me you have a warrant is not going to get me to open my door.
I`ve noticed more and more little kids with cell phones and social networks. What does a kindergartner have to tweet about? "I`m getting better at drawing in the lines!" #cantwaitforstorytime
Irons are like 1000 degrees, who`s bright idea was it to make an ironing board the flimsiest contraption ever made?
Next time a guy asks for your number, write it down in Roman numerals. If he manages to call you, he`s a keeper.
You know what`s the best part about waking up early? Nothing, it sucks!
I roasted a turkey today, but I don`t think he got the jokes.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
On a scale of 1-10, I give this day a middle finger.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Life would be perfect if: Mondays were fun, junk food was healthy, drama didn’t exist, and goodbyes were only until tomorrow.
Benefits of hooking up with me: You will be hooking up with me. I could go on but I think I made my point.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you`ll be really far away from me with your motivational nonsense.
It`s acceptable for someone to eat cereal for breakfast, lunch, and dinner as long as they still go to the gym, right? I`m asking for a friend...
I was at the hospital earlier today and saw a cute girl with a cast on her leg. Naturally, my first thought was "Hey, this one can`t run away..."