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When I was younger, it was wine, women & song. Now I am older, it`s beer, the old lady & TV!
Turtles do nothing and are slow as hell, yet they live for like 200 years. I`ll probably live forever.
Eventually I will find Bigfoot and he will tell me all he knows about Hide & Seek.
My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. It’s called Lunch.
According to the law it`s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
I`m going to start carrying fireworks in my car because sometimes my horn just isn`t enough.
I got a lot more sleep back when phones were only used for calling people.
Women have to deal with periods, pregnancy, childbirth, menopause and hot flashes. Men have to deal with women.
Driving to work would be so much better if I didn’t always end up at work.
I went on two diets because there wasn’t enough food on just the one.
Someone asked an old man: "After 70yrs you still call your wife Darling, Honey and Luv. What`s the secret?"... Old man: I forgot her name 10 yrs ago & I`m scared 2 ask her.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers. "Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?" SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!!
Something tells me that girl with the word "Princess" tattooed on her neck isn`t really Royalty.
It’s not the holiday season unless you push your body to the brink of alcoholism and diabetes.
All women have an hour glass figure – it’s just that they all tote around different amounts of sand.