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I`ve gotten to that age where nothing fits right anymore. Even my birthday suit looks like it needs ironing...
Don`t exercise ... fat people are harder to kidnap
"I`m only having one" ...said by many, practiced by none.
Am I the only one who would like to see Punxsutawney Phil bite off the finger of the person that wakes him up every Groundhog Day.
I am 5 for 5 on popping my trunk instead of unlocking the fuel door at the gas station.
received a call saying that my son had been lying in school, and was being expelled. I don´t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar.
Mondays feel like biting into a chocolate chip cookie only to find out it`s oatmeal raisin.
If you`re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don`t google `old man bond age`
I could snap at any moment. Seriously, with either hand.
This might be the worst online counseling site ever.
Okay restaurants. Enough with the clever bathroom signs. A simple M and F will do. Sincerely, drunk people.
48 states observe daylight savings time. The other two clock block.
The first guy who made fire by rubbing two sticks together probably did a lot of other weird sh!t.
I don`t understand why people pay therapists when I`ll tell them what`s wrong with them for free.
I wanna be rich enough to have 11 little people who run out of my closet every morning dressed as a nascar pit crew to make my bed really fast.