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I wish I could afford to be as weird as I wanna be.
I hate Cheetos stains on my peignoir.........
It`s hard to diet when your favorite exercise is chewing...
Imagine, for a moment, what you could accomplish if you had the persistence and drive of the Adobe Acrobat Reader updater.
Anytime my boss leaves her office, I sneak in there and fart.
Sorry, everyone, it looks like my Facebook account was hacked by tequila last night...
Don’t get me wrong. I totally hear what you’re saying…I just don’t care.
Got tossed outta Starbucks this morning for asking the really cute redhead behind the counter for a "Quickie". Apparently it`s pronounced "Quiche`" who knew......
Staring longingly at the door works for my dog, but I tried it at work and no one let me out. :(
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead...
Guys be like, "Lets play 21 question." Girl: Ok, what`s your favorite color? Boy: Triangle, so you a virgin?
Miley Cyrus is not unique. I have been having full body spasms and licking random objects for decades.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, "no, I`m not doing this sh!t."
It must suck when billionaires wake up feeling like a million bucks.
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.