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The only government agency that listens to you is the NSA.
I wish I would of asked if she believed in sex after marriage
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions
A Smart car Zoomed past me And vanished into a pothole.
With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
I won the Twister contest hands-down.
Not quite feeling myself today. I`m going to see if booze helps...
Me asking if you want anything from Starbucks is my way of telling you I am going to be very, very late
They say you need about 2000 calories a day. Ok, time to do math. 65 calories in one fluid ounce of Jack Daniel`s means i need 30 shots tonight.
It`s not that people use only 10% of their brains, it`s that only 10% of people use their brains.
Whenever being single gets me down, I like to close my eyes, take a deep breath and then go do whatever I want pretty much nonstop.
The Braille on the drive-thru ATM actually says, "Move to the passenger seat"
Accidentally ran over my neighbor’s cat today and I was scared to tell him to his face so I left a note saying “Curiosity was here”
just want to point out that Cinderella is living proof that shoes can change your life!
I believe in living every day like it`s my last day, and on my last day, I plan to take it easy.