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Don`t be afraid to laugh at yourself you could be missing out on the joke of the century.
Let’s get naughty and save Santa the trip.
Do you ever notice that when you´re driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?
There are only two types of honest people in this world, small children and drunk people.
"Probiotic" sounds a lot better than "bacteria infested"
It must be annoying for nudists when they have to clean their glasses
I accidentally ran over my neighbour`s cat........... Nine times....... just in case
That moment when you put your pants on, take a few steps, and feel something crawling down your leg! You grab it on the outside so it doesn`t crawl any further....and then you sigh in relief and thank God the dryer sheet doesn`t bite!
I`m already going to hell ... now I`m just trying to get a good spot.
They should make an app that tells me how many Oreos I can eat for every mile I jog.
If you haven`t used your fingers to "expand" a picture in a Magazine today, well then you`re not me.
I wonder if anyone has watched Storage Wars and said, "Hey, that`s my stuff!"?
Tell a girl she pretty she`ll believe it for a minute. Tell a girl she has Miley Cyrus` butt she`ll believe it for a lifetime
I told everybody at work that I`ve got 18 cats just to make sure none of them ever want to come over for anything.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancee by the way he hasn`t murdered her