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Sometimes I feel bad about the things I say and do, but today is not one of those days.
I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. Then walk into a pole.
I wish more of my handcuff stories involved sex instead of police officers.
Of course you look good; I don`t have ugly friends.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel... It was 3 weeks from tomorrow.
Apparently putting Alka-Seltzer in my mouth while getting baptized and pretending I’m being possessed by the devil is not funny.
What do you get when you inject human DNA into a goat? Apparently banned from the petting zoo...
You can tell a lot from a woman by her hands. For instance, if they`re placed around your throat she`s probably slightly upset.
For some people, a new year means a new chance to f*ck it up all over again.
Cats don`t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can`t put them in the washing machine.
Why can`t someone look at me the same way I look at pizza?
Hard liquor because I don`t don`t have time or patience to sit around drinking 9 bottles of wine every day
All of my plans for the future start out with “when I get rich”
I don`t know what your problem is, but I`ll bet it`s hard to pronounce.
Why is it always the same person getting in your way from start to checkout at the grocery store?