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Shhh...you had me at "alcohol may intensify effect..."
Happy Saturday… the day you can put as much booze into your coffee as you’d like to put in on Monday.
Do you ever watch a movie and realize you have to watch it again because you were on your phone the whole time?
The sperm bank is overpriced to store my stuff so if you come over, don`t use the cloudy ice cubes from the tray labelled "Future Champions"
When I see names carved into a tree I don’t think it’s cute, I just think its strange how many people take knives on a date.
Ways to tell a woman is mad at you: 1. She is silent. 2. She is yelling. 3. She acts different. 4. She acts the same. 5. She kills you.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Where have you been all my life? ... Please go back there.
Long busy day, I need one of those hugs that turns into sex.
I am who I am, your approval is not needed.
Screw your recommended serving size. You don`t know me.
i just fell off a 20ft ladder.. good thing I was on the first step.
I wish all videos of people twerking ended with them catching on fire.
Write me your opinions on this extra soft paper and leave it next to my toilet.
"I’m definitely going to do that tomorrow.” — Me being delusional