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that awkward moment when you`re scuba diving and you see Adele rolling in the deep.
Never judge a man ’till you’ve driven a mile with his wife.
I read that a banana a day will help keep your colon clean. I just wish they would’ve mentioned that you’re supposed to eat them.....
I`m in therapy to learn how to deal with people who should be in therapy
One time I asked some girl what she was thinking. By the time she finished her thought we had 2 children.
The lyrics for "hush little baby" are basically saying "I will buy you anything if you just shut the hell up"
*Food hits floor* Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”King Germ: “No, we must wait 5 seconds!”
I stayed at a really nice, really fancy hotel this weekend. The towels were so thick I could hardly get my suitcase shut.
Before Instagram, I used to waste so much time sitting around having to imagine what my friends` food looked like.
I look at you and think "why has no-one hit you with a shovel yet?"
Facebook, the lost and found for people. . .
I was wondering why some couples don`t go to the gym together but I guess some relationships just don`t work out...
4 out of 5 voices in my head think the other voice is a douche...
That time Homer`s arms were stuck in a vending machine until he realized he could just let go is basically what all of life is like
She caught my iphone before it hit the ground... She`s definitely my screensaver